Friday, 1 April 2011

An April First post

In a surprise move to open up public procurement, the government today announced that henceforth all central government requirements will be sourced from Cambden Market. A spokesman said, "we have long wanted to obtain lower prices, and to open up government procurement to small businesses. This initiative allows us to achieve both at a stroke.

All of the businesses in Cambden market are small, new and entrepeneurial - in fact some of them are so new that they have not yet registered for VAT or tax. But that is a small detail that we are sure will be addressed in the fullness of time.

It is amazing what you can get there. Software is all lot cheaper than from conventional suppliers, and so are the CDs and DVDs. All the goods are of excellent quality - you can tell because of the wide range of Gucci, Dolce & Gabana and Armani products that are sold there at prices that are frankly unbelievable.

We were concerned that there might be difficulties with the audit trail, but the stall holders have been happy to give us receipts. In fact some have provided blank ones for us to complete later in an effort to speed up the process.

We were initially focussing just on goods, but we are thinking of extending the initiative to cover services having met a guy called Gary, who assures us he is excellent at sorting things out. His rates are very reasonable, and a significant saving over employing Accenture again. Of course, there will be a few teething troubles - especially for Gary who does not appear to have any. He does tend to talk of arranging for people to have accidents, when of course what he means is preventing accidents. He also has excellent sub-contractors in Bert and Dave, thus helping to stimulate further entrepeneurship, who he assures us are expert at making problems and people go away. They also have a side line in concrete posts for motorways, for some reason.

This new initiative promises much for the country, and we are of course happy to stimulate the economy by paying for items cash, no questions asked. This is an initiative for the ages. Or at least until lunchtime...."

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